Who am I?

I'm a big dork. I like video games and anime and such. I like getting really excited about things, anticipating things. I like showing people interesting things. I generally like helping people. I enjoy being creative. I like to cook but get lazy about it.

I like hugs. :) I like walking around and getting in the sunshine, though I'm not really athletic; I like to run and play and all, but wouldn't devote my life to it. I like stars and sunsets and flowers and other girly things. I like being loved. I like loving someone else.

I don't drink or smoke. I hate pickles. I like the idea of parties in theory, but not often in practice. I like going to concerts, but not as much as I wish I did. I like street fairs and open-air markets and festivals. Carnivals! Cons too. I like bringing people together under a common theme. So Anime Club, or getting people together to play a game. Though I like just talking too, but I don't like small talk.

I like learning things. I hate stagnating. I like moving forward. I like feeling like I'm doing something. Just sitting around is hard. I like planning things. I like having projects. I like to be purposeful.

I like having someone to bounce ideas off of. I like disagreeing. It helps me to learn.

I like traveling and seeing new things, but I don't like huge pre-planned tours. I like discovering new things, meandering towards a goal.

I don't like feeling a need to be told that I'm right or wrong.

I hate my friends sometimes. My parents, my boyfriend. Sometimes people really piss me off and I don't know why. I've never met someone that didn't really piss me off sometimes. I don't always like the people I love. I secretly fear losing all of them, though, because I'm so picky and angry. So I hide it.

I usually don't think that I can be truly happy. I think I'll stop myself before I get there. I fear that if I was really true to myself, and really got mad at people when I wanted to, I would lose them all. Despite hating on people sometimes, I care about them, and would miss them. Though sometimes I fear that I wouldn't, that I'd move on very quickly. I fear that I may be a very cold person.

I try very much to care about what people have to say, to be attentive and listen, to get into it. Maybe that's why I like geeking out. I like caring about things. Maybe that's why I get mad. I care enough to get mad.

I've just been going on. I'll stop.

Labels: each day

I hope I counted right.

The move went incredibly well. The apartment looks fantastic, we got practically everything out of Wharton (just a few things here and there to pick up at our leisure), it's just awesome. I felt a litle wary about the separate rooms - I want to be closer to Bren. :) But then I saw what Bren's room looked like, and it reminded me a lot of his RIT room, and made me very happy. Then I started putting books away in my bookshelf, and it was awesome. it's MINE! I have an Asia shelf, a Music shelf, that sort of thing. We need to measure out the room to see what size bed/daybed I can fit in there without making it all cramped and horrible. I did the bathroom myself, it looks totally awesome, and the dining room is coming together. :) We need to hang up artwork in the living room, but it's looking very nice already. I'm excited, can you tell?

I'm nervous of course. It's like we're starting over almost, and I want to get it right this time. I feel myself questioning less and less, and generally being happier. Tonight I'm nervous, it'll be our first night in the apartment. (We stayed at Bren's house last night because we don't have internet yet, and he needs to work.) I just want everything to go ok so badly. But I just have to let things happen. These past few days, I've been happier than I'd been in a LONG time. Seeing us do this again, get back into a new (awesome) apartment, actually doing it, many of my worries went away. Because I wanted to.

So today, I should call the cable and electric company for Wharton, and Dad and I are going to the Giants game tonight. So all in all, should be a good day. :)

Labels: each day

I'm happy. I want to say it again. I'm happy. I had the most wonderful night. I moved stuff into our brand new apartment and it felt so good. There was a beautiful sunshower, and I met the neighbors, and I was really happy. I went to Bren's afterwards, we hung out, played games, hugged and played around and were silly, ate delicious homemade pizza, it was just wonderful. I feel so in love, very happy, and frankly, not very doubtful at all. I know it'll change, and it'll be harder later on, but for now, just for now, I'm happy. Not ecstatic, just happy. It's really, really nice.

Labels: each day

Here we go. Went on my lunch break to Franklin Manor, looked around, got the keys, paid lots of money, and there it is! Our new apartment!!! :) My car wouldn't start when I tried to leave work, and for some reason that almost made me happy. Another dramatic event. Or maybe I was laughing at the irony?

Anyway, our apartment! I got the keys and felt so happy - I felt wait, we can make a new start, it's our place! Then I started feeling the doubts - wait, but I don't like this thing or this thing, oh lets imagine a horrible breakup for no reason - but I'm getting out of that. This is pretty exciting. More details as I move in and such.

Labels: each day

Had a pretty good day yesterday, I think. It was odd, I was incredibly anxious, heart racing and all, but I wasn't upset, I wasn't depressed, and my mind wasn't exactly racing. I think my anxiety felt more FOCUSED - need to pack, hope this works out - and I felt cheery otherwise. I think I do my best when I don't have these huge life issues to grapple with in a philosophical way - I need big projects to tackle, and the pieces fall where they may. Worrying about the nature of life and love can't help anyone.

I was packing and got really frustrated, played some more WoW. Bren and I went to CostCo and found this amazing couch - we'll see if we can get someone to help us pick it up. (Who knows? We'll see.) A night of Smash was very fun. It was strange though, as I was enjoying myself with Bren I almost felt like I was observing myself. "Ah, I'm having fun. Look at us smile and hug." That sort of thing. It's a pretty bizarre feeling. I'm not sure what it means. I wasn't faking it - I really was feeling pretty happy and was enjoying myself. I just felt sort of...unreal.

I think that the things you fear are what you want the most. I fear that I can't do something, or that I'm wrong about something, so I tend to give up before it starts. Take packing. I started, and got overwhelmed, I can't finish this!, and just stopped. I've been doing that for a looong time. It's one of the reasons why I do work so quickly, and often enough in a half-assed way (schoolwork that is), is because I don't think I can do it perfectly, so just do it before you lose the nerve. My biggest fear, in my entire life, seems to be losing Bren, whether he leaves me (he won't), or I fall for someone else, or lose my feelings for him (haven't yet). Thinking of that makes my chest tighten.

And you know why? It's because those are the things I want. I want to finish packing, do perfect, beautiful work, and have a wonderful life with Bren. I need to let myself get into these things without so much fear. Or do it anyway. I need to work on music and be there, web design, move in to this apartment. I have to invest myself fully into the things that scare me. Otherwise I just won't be living this life. I won't feel fulfilled.

Labels: each day